Elvis Wages Fatwa

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Stephen Guy Hardin

 

Iranian rapper and owner of Naj’s Rug Emporium, Shahin Najafi, has been sentenced to death by the Islamic Republic of Iran. The death sentence was issued against the rap artist after he released a controversial song called Naqi.

Mr. Najafi has become the Salman Rushdie of rap after clerics in the Islamic republic issued a fatwa, or righteous curse of the boogeyman, labeling him an apostate. Being branded an apostate is considered punishable by death under sharia law and is the second most heinous crime in modern Iran, right after wearing Levi’s in public.

The holy shit storm hit Allah’s fan when the Germany based Najafi, released a song which made references to Ali al-Hadi al-Naqi. Ali al-Hadi al-Naqi is the tenth of the twelve Shia Muslim Imams, a religious figure highly respected by millions in Iran and several sections of south Detroit.

The cleric Ayatollah Naser Makareme Shirazi, Junior, a Holocaust denier and registered Democrat based in the semi holy city of South Qom was the latest to jump on the fatwa camel train.

Fatwa camel train, indeed.

“Any outrage against the infallible Imams, including obvious insults, would make a Muslim an apostate,” he said. Naser Makareme Shirazi, Junior, has in the past issued other controversial edicts. Such as an attempt to ban women from attending public soccer matches, denying the existence of the Holocaust and banning reruns of How I Met Your Mother on Iranian national television. Well, I can see the logic of that last one.

But, I digress.

Najafi’s song, Naqi, is a rap commentary on Iranian social and religious events from the past year. Najafi, speaking from his rug shop in Frankfurt, has rejected claims that he meant to insult the Imam’s religious beliefs or the true parentage of their children.

“I thought there would be some ramifications. But I didn’t think I would upset the regime that much. Now they are taking advantage of the situation and making it look like I was trying to criticize Islam and put down believers,” he told German journalist and renowned Islamophile, Wolfgang Fang, who is the author of the international bestseller, Eva Braun Wore a Hakim.

“For me it is more of an excuse to talk about completely different things. I also criticize Iranian society in the song. It seems as though people are just concentrating on the word ‘Imam’. Just because I call the Imam’s bitches does not mean I do not respect them.”

In an effort to resolve the growing cultural crisis the official Iranian religious website, http://www.tehranafterdark.org, has offered a $105,000 reward for anyone who delivers Najafi’s head on a platter. Or failing that, there is a $ 20,000 reward for an autographed copy of his soon to be released CD, Elvis Wages Fatwa.

This Child Porn Approved by the Mexican Government

Stephen Guy Hardin

 

The United Mexican States, or Materia Fecal Nacional to the esses, has passed the Peoples Republic of North Korea and Los Angeles to attain the vaulted position as the number two producer of child pornography in the world. The Islamic Republic of Iran, of course, still holds on to first place.

Mexico is now classified by the United Nations, the World Health Organization and The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library as a primary source and country of destination for human traffickers involved in producing and distributing child pornography. Viva Mexico!

Due to that unique marketing genius that is the hallmark of Mexican businessmen child porn has become the third largest illegal business in Mexico. The manufacture of child pornography trails only drug trafficking and ripping off gringo turistas. Producing and selling child porn in Mexico generates approximately $42 billion a year or approximately one hundred billion quad zillion pesos. Or to put it in laymen’s terms, a 2002 Ford Bronco, a rusted out 1999 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, ten used AK-47’s and somebody’s sister.

Only nineteen jurisdictions in Mexico have laws against child pornography, and only courts in Mexico City, and the states of Chiapas and Puebla have handed down convictions for the crime. In comparison all the jurisdictions of Mexico vigorously prosecute anyone who over milks a goat. Of course performing sex acts with a goat is still legal, but excessive milking, well…

But, I digress.

So imagine my surprise when a sex scandal broke out in a school in the southern Mexican state of Campeche. A mother of one of the underage participants discovered a video in which her son is seen participating in sexual acts with two other boys. It was obvious by the finger paintings on the walls that the video had been filmed in one of the classrooms in the school.

According to accounts published on the official government website http://www.actosexualconburro.org, the video shows three boys engaging in graphic sex acts, one boy filming and a fifth one watching. The kids implicated are all 12 years-old and in the third grade.

The video was recorded last April 26th at the Salma Hayek Provincial School in the city of Calkini, which is in a religiously conservative and heavily ethnic Indian area. The video is very graphic showing one of the boys performing oral sex on one of his classmates and having anal sex with a third one.

A Mexican State Education Department spokesman confirmed the existence of the video, but he was unable to provide any information concerning the origins of the video or if there was any criminal intent or conspiracy involved.

“It is real, the case is real, the video exists,” said Omar Kankun, State Education Department spokesman. “The Education Department is very concerned. We are especially concerned when amateurs are involved. Amateurs never get the bribes right.”

Amateurs, indeed.

Spokesman Kankun continued, “I cannot emphasize enough that the government of México will not stand for this type of law breaking. We are actively involved in the investigation to ensure no donkeys were injured during the filming of the video. But rest assured the federal government of Mexico will not tolerate an immoral criminal product like this, unless, of course, it is stamped, This Child Porn Approved by the Mexican Government.”

Next Time We’ll Keep Her Crutches

Stephen Guy Hardin

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has once again placed itself in the line of fire in America’s seemingly never ending War on Terror. The latest notch on the TSA’s gun handle is 7 year old Annie Frank.

Ms. Frank’s troubles began as she was waiting with her family to board a flight departing from John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City. The Frank family was headed on a much anticipated family vacation to Florida to see Mickey Mouse and his terrorist cohorts at the Magic Kingdom.

Due to a medical condition Annie must walk with the aid of metal leg braces and aluminum crutches. TSA regulations require anyone who has a wheelchair, walker or crutches be classified as a ‘Mid Level’ terror suspect. Anyone who is under the age of 10 and over the age of 80 is automatically bumped to the highest level of the TSA terror alert chart. This highest level of alert is also reserved for any recognizable celebrities such as Ryan Seacrest, Woody Harrelson or Howard Stern.

But, I digress.

Since Annie was unable or as the TSA stated, “unwilling”, to walk through the metal scanners without her metal crutches, TSA agents jumped into emergency full body search mode. Annie, who according to media reports, is also developmentally disabled, became frightened by the prospect of a gang of overweight men, reeking of cheap booze, stale Marlboro’s and Old Spice running their calloused hands all over her 48 pound body.

Despite pleas from her family that the storm troopers…. I mean agents, take time to introduce themselves, as a means to allay her anxiety; the agents began to manhandle her in the aggressive style that is the maxim of government law enforcement training the world over.

At the best of times air travel is difficult for the Frank family due to Annie’s disabilities, but the frightening abrasiveness of this inspection proved especially traumatic for her.

“They made our lives extremely difficult,” her father, Dr. Otto Frank, a Long Island gynecologist, told reporters. “Our daughter is not a threat to national security.”

The beleaguered family was allowed to pass after a quick $20 changed hands. But after only a few moments a wave of agents stormed after the family and demanded a full body inspection of Annie. Apparently the Franks were not aware that the going rate for a TSA agent’s professional integrity had risen to $30.

Dr. Frank continued in his comments to the press, “They’re harassing people. This is a totally misguided policy. Yes, I understand that TSA is in charge of national security and there are all these threats from Hollywood celebrities. But for my seven year old physically handicapped daughter to be singled out is insane.”

Insane, indeed.

In response to the incident the TSA issued a statement defending their decision to pat-down the little girl.

“TSA has reviewed the incident and determined that our officers followed proper screening procedures in conducting a modified pat-down on the child,” the agency spokesperson said from underneath his official TSA ski mask. “In retrospect Ms. Frank was provided every courtesy we have been trained to offer. She was lucky. Next time we’ll keep her crutches.”